Motherhood, reply

Thank you for jotting down a few thoughts. Thank you for allowing a post to be simple and heartfelt. 

With my first child I did not know that I was enough. I did not know I was the safe place. I discovered that 'Mummy's here, it's going to be ok' was a tonic only when my second began toddling around and falling over. By the time the third came along I was so confident in my motherhood that I would shout, 'don't worry, Mummy's here' down the corridor at a wailing infant, while peeling potatoes and cleaning up spillages off the floor. It would be enough for them to know that I was here, and I heard them.

I have always longed for a mentor. A fairy godmother, just a little bit older than me who could advise without lecturing, who could tell me what the next stage entails and point out the pitfalls. As it happens, I might have found one 😉. But as part of my life-long desire for a mentor, I find that I have been making mental notes, jotting down ideas, underlining common truths to later pass on to a mentee - or a child.

But I have nothing to say to anyone between the ages of about 16 and 32. Either side of that, I was with God. But for 16 years I was a prodigal. And far from it being a time of passions and high-colour, it was a parched, barren and dry time. And my memories of it are brittle and bleached.

There was enthusiasm and dedication when my first child was born. I bought a pre-school curriculum to teach at home. We made all the seasonal crafts - my eighteen month old and me! And there was love. But by abundant grace, I knew I was failing him. Not in words. But I intuited that I was not equipped to teach my child to 'love the Lord your God with all your heart, and with all your soul, and with all your strength, and with all your mind; and Love your neighbour as yourself.' I couldn't even give him the back bone of a life. 

Then my Dad did something wonderful. He helped us buy a heavenly house in the countryside. In my Father's house... his mirroring of divine providence was so overwhelmingly generous and undeserved. I went to confession, as if for the first time. And soon after I had my - by now two - babies baptised.

But it was my first child, whom I was so ill equipped to mother, who brought me home. We went to confession together today at Lourdes. There's peace.