Water and begin again

 I am quite convinced that deep in the heart of every Christian, deep in the heart of the Catholic faith, is a double edged desire for self destruction. On the one had, such a desire can be the mark of a truly good Christian - true selfless martyrs who gave their lives for the faith or for the innocent and whose testimony goes down through the centuries from St Stephen in the Acts of the Apostles to Fr. Maximillian Kolbe in the Second World War to those giving their lives today. I mean, John 15: 34 says it: "Greater love has no man than this, that a man lay down his life for his friends" and the great sacrifice of Jesus for all people for the sake of life eternal is meant to be copied, pictured, made visible in the lives of all his disciples. That is, after all why Christians 'take up their cross.'

Everyday spiritual practices of genuine holiness tap into this good desire for self sacrifice in the light of the need of others - the grace to keep going for others when you are exhausted, patience to do a task well even when it is not something you want to complete, self control to not say that which you really might want to, determination to complete all the little daily tasks of life with love. And, all of this is good.

However, on the darker side of this equation I am quite convinced there is a temptation towards self destruction that is neither heroic nor holy. The focus of seemingly innocent acts of selfless service shifts from the 'needs of others' to the 'self'. When this happens it is quite possible that someone close by might make the sardonic question: 'Are you being a martyr to yourself again?' Intrusive thoughts which motivate the darker side of this equation are entirely focused on the self, not God, nor his grace, nor his mercy. Ideas of not deserving things creep in: not deserving any rest, anything better, anything more, anything different, anything. Such thoughts are nonsense and tend to let resentments fester.

Here we all went back to school recently. I love September for the season, the change, the excitement. I dread it for the rush, the busyness, the stress and the tiredness. 

This year my husband and I concluded that the best way to approach the coming season of intense work and activity was to give up alcohol - definitely on week days and in marked moderation at weekends. We concluded we deserved something more than a frequent wine drinking habit could give. The marked changed in the daily agenda, for me, was that once home from work - before heading straight into the domestic work of dinner preparation, homework supervision, washing up, laundry, caring for the dog, cat, chickens or bees - I had a shower.

That doesn't sound revolutionary does it? But, it was. Water has always been a special element for me. At the most challenging parts of my life I swam religiously and daily - in rivers, outdoor pools, the sea, lakes - anything I could find. The baths of Lourdes I found to be every bit as miraculous as anyone ever told me (but more on that another day). And, a shower that marked the transition between work and home was transformative. Instead of 'keeping going' with all the work to be done on the domestic front after a long day of work because 'I had to', 'I had no choice' or because 'I cant expect anything else', I took a break. And once out of the shower - refreshed and with the clarity a moment of personal reflection could bring -  cooking the dinner, washing the dishes, sorting the laundry all became something to do for the family, with the family and a cause for gratitude.

The prophet Jeremiah records that God mourns that the people have rejected him - "the fountain of living waters" and instead have "hewed out cisterns for themselves, broken cisterns, that can hold no water" (2:13). Surely, no one would reject fresh, clean spring water to replace it with stale, still water that drains quickly and is lost? But, maybe they would. Maybe they would get into a habit of pouring a glass of wine because 'it is the only way I can relax' instead of taking a moment to refresh, reflect and reset.  And maybe they could be deluded that the wine is better than the water. And maybe, by choosing to accept the flowing water of a shower instead they could access the 'living water' of grace and start to do that which needed to be done for others with love. And maybe that isn't about self-destruction, per se, but destroying the predominance of the ego. 

Thank you, Flick, for fasting with me too! It was amazing to join with some powerful women to pray for our families.

On praying as a mother - St. Monica never gave up and look what happened to St Augustine! A mothers' prayer never goes unanswered!

I hope your return to school has gone well and that everyone is happy.